Like I have said before Recovery or being recovered isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. It’s not a magical place where bad things never happen, stress goes away, and you always feel beautiful, positive, and happy.
We need to be real, because this is life. REAL life.
As much as I can try to be positive, some times I just feel like CRAP, and that’s okay. I am a real person who has to deal with my emotions, feel all the feels, ride all the waves and surf right on thru.
I have been feeling a little off the last couple weeks.
May has been a hard month for me with it being the anniversary of my brother’s death. Mother’s Day in general can feel a bit overwhelming for me too,f eeling like I am being pulled in so many directions with not enough time in the day. I’ve tried my best to smile my way thru because smiling does genuinely make me feel better, this week was tougher.
Yesterday body image wise, I just wasn’t feeling it. I noticed myself body checking and comparing myself to others, and like I always do, I tell myself how silly I am being and that my body is absolutely fine. I know that my body is the healthiest it has ever been and I am nurturing myself in ways I never have before.
Last night my 6-year-old daughter had pulled the root out of her plant and was all upset. She was crying, I immediately scooped her into my arms and cuddled her. She was so sad that she hurt that plant. I tried to explain to her that it was no big deal. She didn’t know it would kill the plant and we would get a new plant. As I was hugging her I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I did not like the way my body looked in my pajamas.
For 10 seconds, I thought about it. My mind was spiralling until I looked deeper into that mirror and saw that little beautiful girl who I love with my entire heart holding onto me and pressing her head into my chest. I was fixing broken heart. I was keeping her safe. I am her mommy, and she could care less what body looks like. Life is so much greater, so much deeper, and just more!
I have been thinking about that moment ever since then. This morning I woke up feeling much better and have been walking around all day today with a brand new attitude on a pretty rough week.
I will keep this moment with me as a reminder that the beauty in life is not in what we look like. I know this, and I know it over and over again, but when you lived with an Eating Disorder for so many years, although being fully recovered sometimes the thoughts can just creep back up.
These times are definitely few and far between, but every single time I can assure you that my response will be to shut the thoughts down. You can feel them, but you can’t act on them. These feelings will pass and this is not a set back. This is just life, and this is your life. You have the control to challenge and push away those feelings and negativity.