I often wonder if I had the ability to go back in time, or re-do things what my life would be like. I obviously know I am not a time traveler and I’ll never be able to change the past.
I am not religious. I do not believe in God or a hierarchy of any sort, although sometimes I wish that I did. I have friends and family that have so much faith and inspiration in all of this and it keeps them safe, a sense of peace, and gives them hope. I envy that and wish I had a connection to something like that.
I have my eating disorder, and my recovery though, which to me has given me the power and the strength I need to live my life to the fullest every single day. To give it my all, to do better, to be my authentic self, to love, to care, to be honest, and to believe in myself.
I know that my eating disorder and my recovery is my soul purpose in life. Recovery and sharing my story and my passion for helping others is what I am destined to do, it’s my thing, which leads me to my belief that
Everything happens for a reason.
I do believe this statement with every ounce of my heart. The reasons sometimes take a little bit longer to understand though, and sometimes they don’t even make sense.
I have been waiting, thinking, pondering, desperately trying to figure out the reason that my brother died in that car accident and not me.
Years, I have spent feeling guilty, wishing it were me. It made no sense. I was the one who was barely hanging on, medically unstable, wishing I could disappear, in and out of hospitals, treatment centers, breathing, but not alive, drowning in my own depression. Why was it not me? All the signs would of pointed to me.
Going through the motions of the worst years of my life, when I was weak, empty, broken, and zombie like, there were days I didn’t care if I kept going, or if I gave up. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, I didn’t want to go to sleep at night. I was scared to be alive, yet petrified to die. I knew the road of destruction I was following would only lead to one place….
So again, I ask “Why wasn’t it me in the accident?”
Well, here’s what I have conjured up and I finally am able to believe and trust this theory because it’s mine. It wasn’t me, it shouldn’t of been me. It didn’t need to be me.
I am here. I need to be here. I belong here. I am the one who is going to change the world with my story. I am going to help others fight their demons and beat their disorders over and over again. I am an eating disorder survivor, a body positive warrior, and a mental health advocate whose job is just starting to flourish. I have a job to do, and I won’t stop until my work is complete.
I have not yet come up with a reason for why Jordan can’t be here with me through all of this, but I do know wherever he is, he is still very much a part of my recovery journey because he lives right in my heart and that’s where he will always stay.
I no longer feel guilty. I know now that it shouldn’t of been me, although it shouldn’t have been him either, but figuring out the madness behind his death perhaps is something I am not ready to pass thru yet.