I was interviewed yesterday for a research study on Eating Disorders. I have told my story numerous times, I lived it, of course I know it. It was different this time. The specific questions this time were so much more intense. As I was thinking about my answers and saying them out loud, I was listening to my responses and I had moment of clarity. I was like “Oh my goodness, how am I even still alive?”
I was so sick. My eating disorder almost killed me. I knew it, I know it, but answering the questions and hearing this women’s responses was extremely powerful for me.
A lot of her questions focused on my reasons for seeking treatment each time. We talked about all different factors and my feelings during different times of my battle, and we talked about the people in my life who influenced my recovery. We talked a lot about my mom, my rock. My beautiful, strong, selfless mother.
My mom might just be the strongest person I’ve ever met. She’s endured more heartache and pain then anyone should ever have to, but she never stops smiling, and she never stops loving, and most importantly, she never gives up. She fought for me with every ounce of her being . She hugged me when I was un -touchable and she loved me when I was unlovable. She begged me every day to get better, I hated that I was hurting her, hurting everyone, but I wasn’t at that point yet. My eating disorder was killing me, and in turn it was killing her inside. As a mom now, I know that you do everything and anything to make sure your children are happy, healthy and taken care of. I now see how much hurt and pain I caused her, my eating disorder self was not my real self and my eating disorder self had the control, and that self didn’t care who or how many people I hurt along the way to reaching my never attainable goal of being “thin enough.”
I remember her sleeping by my bed just to make sure I was still breathing. I remember the hours upon hours she spent arguing with insurance companies to get me the help and treatment I needed. She was there every step of the way loving and supporting me.
My mother is my recovery hero, my hero in general. She’s the best person I know and I’d truly be lost without her. I can’t change the past, I can’t change who I was or what we all went through, but I can take the time to tell my mom how incredible thankful I am to have had her rooting for me, cheering me on, and advocating like no one has ever advocated for anybody before.
Mommy thank you for keeping me alive, thank you for never giving up on me, and thank you for showing me unconditional love and giving me the best role model to look up to as I mother your beautiful grandchildren.